Falling asleep is a wonderful experience that has not been happening easily for me for some time. How and when this sense of falling – or maybe it's more a deep relaxing – is occurring, is a mystery.
There is a twilight zone – two states of being overlapping, one flowing into the other, still awake and yet already dissolving. It is like when dawn comes, the blue hour, everything around me is slowly disappearing, the shadows are unifying with the black of the night, the blueness the world is sinking into, giving a safe passage into an unknown place.
Sometimes I am laying there in my tower room, being wrapped into my cocoon of the mosquito net, a safe haven, listening in to the whispering of the night. I keep turning from one side to the other, the energy of restlessness flowing through my bloodstream. Oh, how I long for the sensation of deep letting go which would take me to the other side of my consciousness, deeper and deeper inside to those places which in my normal state of mind are hidden to me. It is like standing in front of a closed door which is only opening when I have gone through the passage of a deep letting go, almost like gliding in a boat through the mist and arriving safe on the other shore – the realms of dreams.
In my body it feels like I have landed in my bones. When they can sink down to the bottom of the ocean and are really spreading out inside my body, then they can begin to sing their song, a lullaby drawing my consciousness in and down and under.
Once I enter into sleep, there are different levels of depth. Sometimes the inner world opens and a whole universe is unfolding where I am in the middle of a story, being challenged, meeting obstacles, trying to reach somewhere, forces pulling on me from different directions. I struggle; find myself in the underworld or manage with a lift to go to a higher level. The lift gets stuck in the middle; I manage to get out and I am searching for the staircase taking me up to the rooftop where I find myself in a beautiful space of light. Oh, how wonderful this feels.
There is also the dreamless state or the forgotten dream which I am not able to remember. This state feels more heavy, like being embedded in a dense mass or almost like being buried in the earth. All is dark and undefined. Time has disappeared, the night seems endless. It is like my body is woven out of a thick fabric, three dimensional, like I am one of the designs in the web of life. I can’t move, my mind is resting within, the channels of my nervous system which connects my brain with the different parts of my body, are interrupted. As much as I want to move a hand or an arm or any other part, it stays still and silent like when you are snowed in and inside it is cosy and warm and you are simply listening to the snow flakes falling against the glass of the window.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go, my consciousness lingering, simply present, expanding into all the different places, all the different rooms in my inner world. This feeling starts changing into a state of lightness and heaviness at the same time. A heaviness which has a warm glow, a deep hum, being fulfilled and nourished with milk and honey; and a lightness which spreads like incense carrying the scent of lavender and jasmine into every cell of my body. This sweet tiredness in my bones carries me up into the spheres of dreams and pure being, a state I hardly want to come back from.
The transition from sleeping to awakening needs its time. While I am still laying there for a while, I enjoy this passage from the unknown and mystical realm into my daily reality. From far off I hear the laughter of the children playing outside and the singing of the birds in the trees. At one point an earthy dynamic energy is arising in my body like a spark, an impulse to start moving, though it is almost like I have to search for it, diving down once more to the bottom of the ocean in order to find the jewel which gives me the inspiration and motivation to welcome the new day, to be open for my life with all the beauty and the challenges. It needs courage, love and inner strength to create, in every moment, the life I love to live.