I always imagined…

I always imagined…

I always imagined, ever since I met you, how it would be to live together. To get to know you deeper, learn to love all your facets. Our journey has been so sweet and beautiful, full of love beyond what I ever could imagine. Your eyes with the blue of crystal clear waters of a mountain lake, I love to dive into them and lose myself in it. Our bodies and soul being magically pulled towards each other, skin touching skin like silk wrapping around us, holding us together, caressing, melting into the deep ocean of love. The silk fabric dancing in the wind taking us beyond all we have ever known.

The journey has begun. Surprising, unexpected, like an angel you appeared in my life. I had almost given up and accepted my destiny of becoming older and walking my way alone.

I was not unhappy. I love my freedom, my life here on this magical island, being with my daughter, traveling and spending time with my family. All had a beautiful flow with some challenges of course but still manageable. Yet there was a place not fulfilled, a place of sadness I buried deep inside myself, so I hardly could feel it anymore. I knew that I could not make it happen; the only thing to do is to be open for love in any form it comes in, and focus on finding the love inside me, listening to my heart, to put the stones which are still in the way to the side, listen to each stone and understand why they are there and what they are telling me. Maybe they are precious stones in the end, when I really look inside. Each of them holding a secret, a quality, maybe a memory which still lives in my unconscious.

I just read a beautiful poem by Rumi where he says that the wound is the place where the light comes in. This feels like a big relief, it is not something I have to get out of the way, it is a doorway into healing, connectedness and wholeness. A soothing sensation of joy is rising within myself like rays of sunshine touching the misty meadows in the morning, the drops of dew sparkling and radiating their light right back into my heart.

There is hope for these wounded places in my soul. Until now they have had their price. A part of me living in the shadow. Though this morning while I did my yoga practice in the garden, breathing in the golden warm light of sunshine, there arose a powerful sentence by surprise:

“I have a place in the sunshine”.

I let these words ring like a beautiful melody through my whole body, let it travel with the breath, enter my bloodstream and flow into every cell. This inner voice was still a bit shy in the beginning as if she were coming from far away, but as I kept repeating it, feeling I had to keep doing this for a while longer, she became stronger, clearer, and it filled me with confidence and joy.

Yesterday I had a session with a friend of mine. She reminded me to allow myself to receive it all, all this beauty life has offered me, my talents, the opportunities…
As I sit in my garden, the wind whispering in the leaves of the trees and playing a melody on the wind chime, the frogs talking in the pond, the light dancing with the shadow, I feel there is so much abundance. In my heart arises a longing to let it all in. It wants to burst open. It says, “Let me go. I don’t need your protection anymore. I want to live, to cry, to laugh. I want to be free to love and embrace. I want to let the light come in. I want you to see me as I am”. This vulnerable heart is full of joy and tenderness, yet strong and solid like a rock in the sea.

It is my deepest longing that you can see all of me and that finally I can rest within myself, lose the fear of losing or being ashamed or afraid of my shadow side.  Shadow and light, they come together – the dance between you and me, the dance between being alone and being together, flying close and flying free and independent, tasting the honey of both, a magical force bringing us together as well as calling us back home to ourselves again.

Maybe this magical power or energy is like the source of life we are all connected with. And our instincts and inner voice, or you can call it intuition, is like a telephone line connected to this unimaginable source where all life is born. Being at the right time at the right place, what would you call it? Destiny? Synchronicity? Being guided by an inner wisdom or truth? If I look at my life there have been several of these crucial moments where there was a drastic change, turning into a different road, when maybe I lost my orientation for a while but just long enough for me to find a new direction, a new place. Meeting you, my love, was definitely one of these turning points, and you are the angel who stepped into my life in the right place at just the right moment.